Sunday, June 6, 2010

emptiness

I'll apologize in advance if this posting is a little crude, but it seems to go with the territory of autogynephilia and transvestitism. Fact is I masturbated twice in the last 24 hours, to porn.. I view it very differently from most men, I imagine myself in the female role. The more the female is dominated, or fulfills a female role the better. This morning I'm feeling very empty, like something is missing, and I realize what it is. I've completely skipped the dressing part and tried tricking my mind into a fantasy to satisfy a need.

It's really a fine line too because sometimes you'll spend a long time getting dressed up, only to have all your hard work get spent in a few minutes of ecstasy. Then you feel the guilt of the dressing up, and the guilt of spending all that time getting dressed for what seems like nothing, like "why did I do that? I could have just jumped onto tube8.com for 10 minutes and done the deed". But I'm starting to realize much like porn, which is very disconnected, that I can't just skip the dressing part. It's sort of akin to that kids in the hall movie "braincandy" where the scientists seem to think we can just completely eliminate sadness and depression and just always be happy, but we need those sad moments so we have something to contrast against. And speaking of contrasting, ever notice how if you gradually dress up, there's nearly no thrill? But if you go from unshaven face and bum male clothing to poofy hair and makeup and a cocktail dress and heels, it feels so strong?

Right now I want to dress up, but it would just feel weird at this point, plus my weekend is almost over.

1 comment:

  1. there's something to be said about the timing of it. the timing of getting all dolled up. staying dolled up and then the sex part. if you don't hit it right it can feel really empty...and if you hit it right it can feel so good....like so unbelievably good that you can't imagine not doing it....

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