Seems like so far blogs and youtube videos (so it seems) tries to explain what they think this phenomenon is. I thought perhaps a better thing to do is express my feelings of how I feel, and see if anyone else feels the same way. I think the best way to do it is give myself a Q&A:
Q: If someone could wave a magic wand and turn you into a beautiful woman, would you?
A: Surprisingly, yes.. Yes, it would just make things easier for me. I could be a fully hetero woman, and if I decide to experiment with lesbianism, I wouldn't be judged for it
Q: So if that's the case, why don't you transition?
A: Transitioning means your families and friends have to take that ride with you. It means a lot of work to transform yourself into a woman (both personally, and surgically). It's a LOT of money (Even in thailand it can easily cost $15k, something I don't have, nor do I want to put myself further in debt). Also, I wouldn't feel like a real woman, I would feel like a man that has done as much as he could to imitate a woman.
Q: Isn't the real reason because you enjoy being a man most of the time, you just like playing a girl when you have sex?
A: Again no. There are so many women that can look pretty, but when they need to be put on some overalls and be a Tomboy (and sometimes look even sexier). Fact is, it's easy to just be a guy and hide this persona that I have inside, as painful as it is
Q: So ideally, what you want is for some way to temporary be a woman, have sex, and then change back and go on with your life?
A: There is no ideally. For the most part yes, but there are times when being feminine isn't about sex, it's honestly sometimes nice to feel pretty even when it doesn't involve sex (like as if I have a femme quota sometimes that isn't met).
Q: You speak of this quota, what is that about?
A: It's as if I need a certain amount of femininess in my life, so I have surround myself with it.
Q: Is there perhaps something that occurred at an early age that triggered these feelings?
I think there are two factors. When I was in the 4th grade (9 years old), my older brother (who was only 13), somehow acquired some playboys. I wanted to be cool, so I put a couple in my backpack and brought them to school. I had the idea of showing them to friends, but realized there wasn't a good moment to do so (and I was too shy to do something like that anyway). Somehow my backpack had fallen, and all my folders and papers fell out, along with the playboys. One of the other kids saw it, and tattled (like all kids do at that age), and I was sent to the principals office. When I was 12-13, my brother let me watch a porno with him. I know he was just trying to be a cool older brother, but I think there's a reason why it's "adult entertainment". I don't think a pre-teen needs to see that, as much as one would want to see it. Photos of scantily clad women is one thing, seeing them naked, in motion, performing on a guy is something totally different. I feel as though at a young impressionable age, that I came to the conclusion that the female was the dominant, controlling partner. She had all the control of the guy's pleasure, and she could tease and stop, and make him do just about anything she wanted as a result. It was as if I wanted that control.
Q: So you think this had affect on how your brain developed then?
A: Absolutely, it's no different than a kid seeing his parents die and then be fearful of going outside. It's no different than a kid watching someone get raped, and then become a rapist later on in life. I feel as if I wanted to become that porno actress and have that control, but only sexually.
Q: You talk about control, is this in any other aspect of your life?
A: Actually yes now that I think about it. The job I work, I make a lot of my own decisions, and I like it that way. I have a thing for puppets (they make me giggle, I even like playing with them). There's something about making an in-animate object become real, and make him do whatever I want. I also became obsessed for a while with hypno-sex, where a female subject gets hypnotized into doing sexual things (including having uncontrollable orgasms). Because it started to look fake, I lost interest.
Q: So if you like control so much, why do you feel like your not so dominate in bed?
A: Because I'd be playing the dominate MALE role, which I don't really care for.
Q: Is cross-dressing a way for you to become a full size puppet then?
A: Honestly, and embarrassingly, sometimes. The idea that I'm someone else, a different persona, that I can move around and pretend to be this girl that didn't exist before, is sort of fun (and a turn-on).
Q: Do you think that will ever be possible, through technology, that you can achieve this "temporary girl" lifestyle?
A: I read up on a lot of scientific articles. I've read everything from OBE (out of body experience), to trans humanism (the idea that one day we will achieve nearly limitless life by transferring our minds into a new body). It's said that in 20-25 years we will have computers that will run hundreds of times faster than the human brain, in essence capable of mapping a computer brain and making a copy. There's also the more near future where virtual reality makes a comeback. You look at the graphics if game systems, and all the interactivity of the controllers at a reasonable price (wii, the new sony motion controller). All you would need is a few controllers strapped to a suit, and a nice LCD head display, and you could immerse yourself in a virtual world. And of course, in a virtual world you can be anyone, even a woman.
I would love to hear other's opinions on this subject. I think by expressing our own lives, we can find a common reason why this exists.
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