Saturday, May 22, 2010

Autogynaphelia guilt

I think we've all felt this at least once in our lives. Reading Jack Molay's most recent posting on trans gender embarrassment:

For some reason this really hit me a little hard, and invoked me to think about who I am as a person, and what autogynaphelia really is. In essence, in it's most rawest form it's a kink. It really is no different than BSDM, foot fetishes, etc. I mean when you really break it down, those of us who experience this have developed this skill, this frame of mind by practicing this since our first erection, and it's ingrained into our heads. We know what excites us, and we use this as a tool. It's not that different than someone who prematurely ejaculates and thinks about baseball, our their parents having sex.

But the part that really hit me was about how many trans gendered people think of us as perverts, that we're tarnished the culture in general. I don't know how many times I read stories of some criminal dressed up in drag. How that correlates I'll never know. It's especially insulting when it's a nasty crime, like masturbating in front of children, or some other sick deed.

So now on top of the usual guilt most of us feel.. That feeling of "Why am I fantasizing about this?". It's especially guilty when you invest a lot of time in crossdressing, only to have your male ego end it by cumming. Now on top of that (even though I do this in the privacy of my own home), now I feel guilty for taking something that's a real issue (man born in the wrong body), and turning it into a fetish (not on purpose). I suppose anything that's serious that shouldn't be emulated in a bad light, can. Take something like firefighters, I'm sure their worst enemy are pyros that just enjoy staring at fires, and set fires to fulfill a need. Look at serial killers, they're basically teasing cops by making it difficult, and often creating puzzles to play a game.

So what am I trying to say here? I don't know. Sometimes I wish I didn't have this condition. Other times I'm thankful that I can flip flop between gender roles and be a complete person. I guess what I really want sometimes is for it to really be more than just sexual gratification. I have these fantasies of spending an entire weekend dressed up, and really embracing my femininity. Maybe clean the house dressed as a maid, do some sewing projects. But I know deep down it's just a fantasy, and it always ends up getting cut short. I actually used to be able to do that, to just dress up and enjoy the feelings. Maybe life got too busy, maybe I've lost the ability to just enjoy that part of it?

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