Tuesday, March 8, 2011

reflection on myself

Been thinking about myself lately... Yes, once in a while I do feel the need to get personal on this blog. On some other autogynaphelia sites (as we like to say, crossdreamers), and I'll quote the best I can remember the quote..
"Crossdreamers are women trapped in a mans body AND mind". In other words:
Sexually: I am a woman. I think like a woman, my sexual fantasies loop around that of a woman, but that's as far as it goes.
Body: I am a man. I like to do man things, I like the convenience of my body, I like my strength, I like that I don't have hangups.
Mind: I do man things. No I don't like sports, but I do like working with my hands, building and fixing computers, fixing things around the house, etc.

With that said, it's clear I have no desire to transition, nor do I show very many female qualities. Ok sometimes I have a desire to sew, and if time permits I like to crossdress, but again those are tied to sexual feelings. take away my penis and I guarantee 90% of those thoughts would go away (I'm sure there would still be some residual feelings). Would I want castration to clear my head? No, think of my head like a macbook. I can run OSX or windows, I'm the best of both worlds.

There is however a very serious impact of this "sexual desire", or as some degrade it as a "fetish". There is:

Shame - (not accepted, especially something like this compared to transgenderism)

Guilt - nothing worse than spending hours on makeup and clothing only to end it in about 30 seconds of poor self-control and pre-ejaculation ruining the party

Marriage - Yes, I said marriage. Am I having marriage issues? No.. not exactly. Me and my wife get along great. Probably the only reason we do is because we are friends first, lovers 2nd. Also because I'm so gender neutral, I do a lot of things a lot of husbands wouldn't do (cooking, cleaning, etc). So yes I am referring to the sex part. Because my mind isn't the norm.. I assume most guys fantasize either about the person they are having sex with, or possibly fantasizing about someone else because they are bored with who they are with (or fantasizing about someone un-obtainable, like a celebrity). I myself, as many others do like myself, fantasize about being a woman. Do I think about how good my dick feels while being stroked? Sure, but sexual gratification and what your mind is busy doing are two separate things.

I've done it for so many years, it really is like breathing, or eating, or shitting. I don't think about it, I don't really analyze it (except for these brief moments, where I find myself pouring it onto a blog in hopes others will find commonality in it). So getting back to not having sex. I will use any excuse in the book to avoid it. I'll say I'm busy, I'll say I have a headache (but it's usually true). It's not that I don't want to have sex. If it happens, great. I'm all about being a participant. What I have a problem with is initiating (which my wife complains about a lot). See, women like being desired, and unfortunately so do autogynapheliacs. To pursue is attached to the male persona, and that sort of ruins the fantasy at the same time.

I should have a talk with my wife right? I should just tell her instead of typing this out at 10pm while she's upstairs sleeping right? If only it were that simple. I've been trying to make sense of this for the last 20 years, and even now it's not completely clear, and there's so little research that I can't even refer to the experts to explain it away. If I were to tell her now, it would also feel like a lie. I can picture the conversation right now "why didn't you tell me all this time that this is how you felt?", to which I wouldn't even know how to respond. Now I told her I crossdress a month into us dating, she knows that part. But this feels like a very different part of me she doesn't understand.

For a while, we actually tried swinging. There are even dating sites where you can find other couples that want to swap partners. We only tried that twice (only one actually turned into a sex, the other couple had a really shy wife that didn't really reciprocate back even though I'm pretty sure she was interested). Then for a while we got into the "Plus size dance" club thing, and me being a shy person I never really hit it off with any girls, but her being the social butterfly she found a few guys to play around with, to which I didn't really mind. Honestly, it took the pressure off. If she was being sexually satisfied, I was actually happy I didn't have to please her.

Then after that died off, we tried the "open marriage" thing where each of us would explore craiglist. I almost tried dating someone much too young for me, but never followed through. She dated a few guys, but that's died off lately. The closest I came to dating someone was another crossdresser, but nothing much came of that (for personal reasons I won't go into).

Anyway, it feels sort of good to get that off my chest.

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