Wednesday, March 10, 2010

the biggest loser

Mark's starting weight is..... 285 pounds!

Congratulations mark, you have lost 104 lbs in just 6 weeks, the biggest weight loss in our show's history.

Son of a bitch.. the producers are talking to me in my earpiece.. they say the ratings are really down. This can only mean one thing.

"Mark! do you realize what your doing to our ratings? Everyone is turning off our show because they're all sitting on their couches feeling bad about themselves watching people like you drop weight like it's hot. I can only see one solution to this problem.."

"If you'll look at this bar graph, we figure we can increase your estrogen levels by over 25%, changing you into a woman, and boosting our ratings when they see you only lose 5 pounds per week instead of the usual 15. Also you'll be more relate-able since it's mostly housewives that watch us."

"So mark.. Umm, I mean marcy, how do you feel about your starting weight of 330lbs?"
"This is such bullshit, I worked my ass off to lose all that weight, and your quack doctor injected it all back in, not to mention he cut off my penis and implanted these huge saggy breasts. I feel so ugly and strange being in the wrong gender body!"
"There there Marcy, there there."

"I really don't know why I'm even on this show anymore. It's not even about the weight loss, it's about getting ratings and guilting america to buy more subway sandwiches, extra gum, and stupid wii games endorsed by us that don't work. If it weren't for the paycheck I'd so be out of here!"

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